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オンナの文通  4通目

あさのさんへ

 

お返事、ちょっと泣きました。
と同時にとっても腹落ちしました。
大人子供の混沌の正体がわかっているようでわかっていなかったんです。感情がコントロールしているものなんじゃないかっていう風に思っていたから。でもあさのさんが明文化した「子ども」「大人」の概念はなんていうか私にとってはとてもロジカルなものだった。
非常に合点しました。

あさのさんからのお返事を読んだあと、実家に帰る電車の中でtwitterで話題になっていたある漫画を見ました。

それは「おばあちゃん」と「わたし」のふたりの思い出が描かれているものでした。
『もしおばあちゃんがいなくなってしまったら、おばあちゃんとわたし二人しか知らないたくさんの思い出はわたししか知らない思い出になってしまうんだ』という事を考えると寂しくてたまらなくなるけれども、自分しか知らない半分になった思い出を「わたし」よりもたくさん抱えている「おばあちゃん」が元気に笑っている姿をみると「きっとわたしも大丈夫だ」と思える。という内容のものでした。

思い出というのは過去に起こった一連の出来事の事ですよね。わたしたちがその「思い出」を思い出すとき、記憶の引き出しを開けるわけですが、その時に脳が断片的な記憶を集めてその一連の出来事を再構築するのだというのをテレビだか読み物だかで見ました。
誰かと思い出話をするときには、一緒にする人の記憶の断片をわたしの記憶の足りない部分にはめていきながら一連の過去の出来事を完成させていくという実感があります。そしてそこにはその人サイドの景色があって、私の景色とその人の景色をはめていって色を塗って・・・という感覚があってわたしはそれが結構好きなんです。

父のいる病院に向かう電車の中でそれを見たわたしは、父とわたししか知らない色々な思い出も父がいなくなってしまったら半分になってしまうんだなとそんな風に感じてさみしくなったんですが、だからこそ今、わたしと父だけしかしらない思い出を私の中に「景色」として残すことができたらいいなと思いました。
そして、その景色を家族や友達や仲間たちに見せることでそれは半分にはならない。「いなくなってもいなくならない」というのはきっとそういう事なんだなと思ったんです。
そういうものが今この瞬間にもわたしの中に蓄積されていって、そしてそれがわたしを構築する一つの材料になる。それはさみしさとは違うもので、ちょっとほっこりするなぁなんて思ったんですよね。

あさのさん、今度また飲みに行っていろんな話をしたいです。
わたしの家族の話や仕事の話、友達のはなし。
そしてあさのさんの話もまたきかせてください。
これ、カツアゲされてきて命令です。

「母はマウントをとりたがる」の新しい話仕入れてきてください。私も仕入れときますから。

 

イシより

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