イシへ

 

お返事ありがとう。
返事を読みながら、これは愚問だったかなぁと。
子どもや大人という概念って、どちらかから反対側への景色を言い表しているだけな気もします。

反対側の景色で思い出しました。
小学生中学生と、周りの大人の気持ちが全く理解出来なかったわたしがいつのまにかお母さんや先生の言うことが理解ができるようになった時『ああ、あっちに来たんだな』と、はっきりと自覚した瞬間がありました。アレが《大人になった》瞬間だったのかもしれないですね。
その景色が見えた時の、なんとも言えない申し訳なさや有り難さとか。仕事もそうです。置かれる立場で見える景色は反対側へ簡単に移動します。その体感のおかげで、今は意識して《あっち側》の景色を少しは見ることができるようになったかなぁ。
まあ、簡単に言うと『相手の気持ちを考えられる経験』が手に入ったということだと思います。

その反面、同じ立場に立ったことで理解できるはずのことが理解できず余計に苦しむことも出てきます。
わたしの父と母が離婚した時の母の年齢が38歳でした。自分が38歳になった時わたしは3人の子どもと暮らしていて、ハナはその時8歳。母が家を出た時のわたしの年齢が12歳のことです。
『あの人はこの子を置いて家を出たんだ』
38歳のわたしは、いくら答えを出したくとも母の気持ちがわかりません。いや、正確には『この子を置いていかねば生きられなかったのか』とあの12歳のわたしには理解のできなかったことがよりリアルに見えてしまったんです。しばらくはそんなことがよぎるもんだからまともに母とは話せませんでした。

その立場に立ったからこそ見える景色。見る人によってそれは違うものなんだと思います。
それを踏まえて、いつなんどきもできるだけの想像力を働かせて、精一杯向こうからの景色を見たいなと大人になったわたしは思うのですよ。

ゴンちゃんよくなってよかったね!
人間でいうところの70歳ということですが、わたしはゴンちゃんの話を聞く時、いつもうちのチビたちのことを聞いてると思っています。まあ、ずっと赤ちゃんなんだなぁ、大変だなぁ。あ、でも反抗期とかなくて羨ましいなぁ。辛らつな言いぐさで親を泣かせたりしないんだろうなぁ、なんて思ってます。

わたしは大人になった。ということで、残念ながら誰かの娘という景色をリアルに感じなくなりつつありますけどね。
そろそろお母さんに会わないと。1年以上会ってない気がする。また軽くカツアゲされに行ってくるか。

 

あさの

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